For Anyone who has Lost it While Trying to Reach a Live Human Being on the Phone

Dear Venmo/Facebook/UPS Claims/Geico/Most Credit Card Companies/(fill in the blank):

You have reached Carine Fabius. This call may be recorded and monitored so I can waste your time and completely ignore the dysfunctional nature of my system.

Para español, diga español.

Our customer service agents are busy with other customers now. Wait times are crazy long. You may want to hang up and call back some other time.

Press 1 if you’d like to receive a link by text to access my chat service. Data rates may apply.

Press 2 if you want me to barf on your shoes.

Hmm, I didn’t get that.

Press 3 if you want to access the main menu.

Press 4 if you want a rat infestation in your kitchen.

Press 5 if you would like to sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 3 hours or more.

Press 6 if you would like to hear police sirens outside your bedroom window all night long.

Press 7 if you would like to experience food poisoning.

Press 8 if you’d rather be doing crack.

Press 9 if you’d like to kiss my ass.

Press 10 if you’d like to speak to me or a real human being. Please hold, you’re being transferred now.

Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep…

Oops, guess the call got disconnected.

Feel free to add your favorite “option” in the comments section.